


Cold, Cold, Cold

by Melody_Of_The_River



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: A cat is present as well, And heartbreak I guess?, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post Return to Shinganshina
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 03:59:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18045029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melody_Of_The_River/pseuds/Melody_Of_The_River
Summary: My love. If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.After months of delaying the inevitable, Levi finally goes back to Erwin's office to clear up his things.





	Cold, Cold, Cold

**Author's Note:**

> Fic summary is an Oscar Wilde quotation.
> 
> Follow me on tumbr at [melodyoftheriver](https://melodyoftheriver.tumblr.com) for more Eruri! 😁

When he had left Erwin’s broken body in that abandoned apartment in Shiganshina, cold and eternally frozen, Levi had imagined that the winter, too, would last forever. But summer came in her own time, drifting in on a gentle wind that brought the dead back to life. Flowers that had long since wilted under winter’s cold unforgiving scowl, turned red and blue and gold once again. Sounds that had been absent for the cooler months: the slow buzzing of young bees seeking out blossoms as beautiful as they, rivers gushing, children laughing, life blooming – they all came back to him with a deafening shrill. A sun that he had said goodbye to, feeling the first nip of cold in his toes, came back with startling intensity, painting the world vivid with its rays, like a painting with still wet oils. It resurrected everything, _healed_ everything. Everything but Erwin. Everything but himself.

Summer had crept up slowly; she was not the one to blame. She had given Levi his time to adjust, more time than he deserved, even, to soften the blow of the world already moving on from Erwin.

But still, he was not prepared.

Summer snapped, for she did not care. No longer did she gently warm his body, unwilling as it was, bringing life back to its cold muscles. No, now she burned unprotected skin in minutes. Her glare was angry, frustrated, accusatory. It bleached the color of the flowers, the insects, the trees – everything – with its harsh, unrelenting intensity. And Levi understood what it meant, knew what it was trying to tell him. He had to go back, if only to appease the sun.

Erwin’s office had remained untouched since he had died. Not even Hange had had the strength to clean it up. Erwin may have thought her worthy of being his successor, but in her heart, she was a Commander but in name. And that room… just had _so_ much of Erwin in it. Levi had not faulted her when she had refused to move even a single thing in it from its place, because even just in name, being “Commander” was a such heavy burden to carry on one’s shoulder. To move into that room, take the place of the man that so clearly still inhabited each and every living inch of it – that would just have been _too much_ of a burden to carry. It was not unhelpful of her; her reasons Levi had understood. A part of him even thanked her for having left Erwin’s memory so intact – frozen, like the winter. But a part of him wished that she had not left him to be the only one to carry its weight.

The door to Erwin’s office loomed before him like an entrance to a crypt. No one had dared approach it, and until now, no one had had to. But with summer here, Levi knew the room would be ridden with cobwebs, festering with vermin: the last remnants of its occupant decaying away inside – papers chewed on by rats, wood eaten by termites, leather chairs bleached by the sun. The door creaked on its hinges as Levi pushed it open, protesting the intrusion with a loud groan. Levi imagined Erwin’s fingertips on the door knob, wondered when was the last time that Erwin had touched it, pretended it was still warm with the heat of his hand as he brought his palm to his cheek – an indirect caress, frozen in time for Levi to reap like a reward for his winter suffering.

He had been delaying the inevitable – hoping, wishing, _praying,_ that it would hurt less when he finally returned. But the pain was still as fresh as it had been all those months ago – an open gash in his chest. Untended to, but _frozen,_ like the winter.

Levi had had no doubts about death: it was not kind, he knew that. But he had assumed, at least, that with time, it ought not to hurt so much. Dead things ought not to hurt so much, right?

Oh, how wrong he’d been…

 

Because it all came back in a heartbeat.

_The door opening, Erwin sitting in his chair, scribbling noisily with that blunt-tip fountain pen of his, raising his head only once to meet Levi’s gaze. Or, Erwin standing out of his chair for once, near the window behind his desk, the sunlight catching the dust specks in the air, and the delicate gold of his eyelashes. Levi bringing him tea, his polite ‘thank you’ before returning to work until the tea laid forgotten, half-cold, at the corner of his desk. Or, on rare days, Erwin indulging his captain, blowing the steam away for the top of the cup before taking a sip, before showing Levi the papers he knew the man had already seen just as an excuse to keep talking to him. Levi teaching Erwin how to write with his left hand, two hands holding the pen, moving it across the paper – but gazing elsewhere. Blue meeting gray. Again, and again, and again…_

Too much, it was too fucking much.

Levi closed the door behind him with a bang, his lungs out of breath simply from how real all of it still felt. The sunlight, the warmth, the wordless love that had made its home in their hearts in that office.

Fuck, he wished he had done this sooner – had cried, and been done with it. The day you lose someone isn’t the worst, after all. At least, you’ve got something to do.

It’s all the days they stay dead.

And no matter how vibrant the sun shined, or how lively the summer got, it would never bring life back to _him_. Never him.

 

* * *

 

He tried again, an hour later. And this time, as the door creaked open, the memories did not hit him too hard. But the cold did. Even now, two months into the height of summer, the room did not feel truly warm, for the winter often soaked so deep into these thick, old buildings, that by the time the sun finally managed to leach out the cold smell of death and desperation from its halls, it was winter all over again. But where once, Erwin’s office used to be the warmest in the entire Headquarters, now all it did was send a bone-deep chill through him. He wrapped his coat around himself tighter, a pointless armor against a cold that had nothing to do with the weather.

He started with the bookshelves. Erwin always used to keep his books so immaculately clean. It was one of Levi’s favorite things about him. Unless it was a book particularly close to him, like his father’s journals, or books related to strategy or whatnot, the others were almost always as good as new. Not even a dog-ear to taint their pristine white pages.

It was easier, wrapping Erwin’s books – at least the ones farthest from his desk – because those were the few objects in his office that he left as little as possible of himself in.

 

His musings were interrupted by a loud mewl coming from Erwin’s desk. Reluctantly, he pulled himself off of the floor where he had begun stacking his books in neat piles, and walked towards the desk to investigate. He pulled away the chair, sat down, and gasped.

Because curled up at the foot of the desk, licking away at its own ass, sat the world’s ugliest cat.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me…” he cursed, “How in the hell did you get in here?”

‘The Cat’ was a mangy little thing, with singed yellow fur, only one functioning eye, a blackened nose, and disgusting flea-ridden ears. It had been something of a community pet in the Headquarters; nearly every member of the Survey Corps had fed it something now and then. Not Levi, though. The cat’s disgusting hygiene – a true outcast of its species – had put Levi off of feeding the poor thing even the barest of scraps. (At least, that was the official story.) It was Erwin’s cat, anyway; he had been the creature’s biggest benefactor at the building, and if ever the cat managed to make its way to the dining hall during lunch or dinner hours, Levi had witnessed Erwin playfully feeding more than half of his portion to the little parasite. It was Erwin who had named it, thinking the cat looked like a Claude for some reason, and Erwin who had changed it to Claudia when the cat’s belly had swollen up with kittens a few weeks later. No one knows what happened to the kittens, but ‘ _Claudia_ ’ had stayed. Up until the very end.

And now when Levi picked the creature up from its neck, it thrashed and hissed at him like it hadn’t seen a human in ages – which, Levi supposed it probably hadn’t.

“How long have you been here…” Levi leaned in and took a whiff, holding the cat still at an arm’s length. “Ugh, you smell disgusting.”

He walked over to the door of Erwin’s office, opened it, and threw the cat out. It landed swiftly on its feet, and turned around to meet Levi’s face questioningly.

“What the hell are you looking at me for? Go away,” he said. His tone final, authoritative. The cat only mewed angrily in response, protesting at being evicted from its cozy habitat of filth.

“Don’t look at me! I said go away!” Levi repeated, moving his arms in the direction of the hallway. The cat did not budge.

“Fine, I guess. Stay there,” he said, and the cat turned its chin up at Levi in defiance as he shut the door.

 

* * *

 

He had just finished packing up the books from one bookshelf, when the cat had showed up again. A gust of wind had left the door ajar, and before Levi could notice it open, the cat had waltzed back in, swaying from side to side, and rubbing against the door. It looked up at Levi sitting cross-legged on the floor and mewed at him in accusation.

Levi groaned. “Why the hell are you back?” he stood up from his place, and nudged the cat towards the door with his foot. “Come on… go away. I’m trying to work in here.”

 

* * *

 

The third time the cat showed up, it had left Levi positively confounded. The door was still shut (he had checked) and the windows were closed. And yet, it was sitting on top of the empty bookshelf, just basking in the light from the window.

“How the fuck do you keep coming back here?” he growled, and had the cat not been perched on top of the tallest bookshelf, he would have actually put in the effort to kick it out again. But seeing how much work he still had left, and how the sun was already going down, he decided against it.

“Fine, just… don’t get in my way.”

 

* * *

 

It absolutely did get in his way. Two times he almost tripped looking out for the cat lounged in the middle of the floor. One time he _actually_ tripped, spilling papers that he had just meticulously organized, back into Erwin’s intended chaos. Levi growled, and cursed under his breath, but despite that, made no move to remove the cat from the office. It was keeping him distracted – Levi was almost grateful for it.

 

* * *

 

But when all was set and done – the bookshelves, the side tables, the couch, all cleaned to perfection – there could be no more avoiding the desk anymore.

There was not a single thing in the room that held Erwin’s memory like that wretched desk; the spirit of him so ingrained in every splinter in its smooth mahogany, every pen-made scratch, every spilled drop of ink. Levi could still see it: Erwin – his forehead creased in concentration; fingertips blackened with ink, leaving traces on his brow when he moved to wipe the sweat from it; arms never stopping, writing away, until the wick burned out, and he had to light another candle – but even then, continuing. A mantra of ‘ _just one more letter, just one more page,’_ long after Levi had already retired for the night.

God, the image burned him in his very soul. It hit like a pang in his chest. A man who had worked so tirelessly all his life for a single, focused goal; a man who was larger than life itself – contained only in three cardboard boxes and a mahogany desk.

The papers riddled on the desk were just as he must have left them on his last day – messy, disordered, scribbled lines and plans across every inch. Levi had never been much of a superstitious man, his upbringing rarely ever allowed anything but the cold dose of reality, but right now, he found himself afraid to touch them – the last remaining tie he had to his lover. He found himself afraid to touch them, as if doing so, would sever this tie that still tethered Erwin’s soul so delicately to this desk. To him.

Illogical thoughts, all of them. If Erwin could hear him now, he would reprimand him for thinking this way, for falling prey to superstition. But then again, Erwin had never seen the love of his life die before his eyes, when his hands held the key that could have saved him, but had not. Erwin had never seen the love of his life fade with every wrapped-up book, every closed drawer, every packed box of things – laughter, loss, love. All memories, all gone.

It took every ounce of courage in Levi’s bones to even reach forward and gently touch the yellowing sheets of paper, feeling the rough texture coated with dust, the ink flaking away. And when he did, something brushed against his calf, making Levi jump, slamming his fist on the table.

The cat meowed.

“For fuck’s sake!” he shouted.

So much for being gentle.

He bent down, picked up the cat from his feet, and raised it to eye level. The creature shrieked, and hissed, and thrashed.

“Do you have any idea what you have done!?” Levi shouted at it, and the cat continued struggling in the man’s hold.

“He’s not fucking here, you stupid fucking cat! He’s not here. He’s dead, okay. He died!” he must have been screaming now, because the cat meowed even more helplessly, shaking its tiny, ugly head as if in denial. “I…” Levi’s voice began to crack. “I _let_ him die. You hear me, you stupid thing? I did. I killed him. I could have saved him, but I didn’t. So, fuck off, he’s not here! You will never see Erwin again.”

A pause. The cat finally looked at him, its eyes watery, and in them Levi saw how deranged he had begun to look.

“Neither will I,” he admitted sadly, blinking back his tears, and loosening his grip on the cat, dropping it to the floor.

He expected the cat to scramble for the door after his outburst, but it remained put. Looking up at Levi with that inquisitive look, its meows searching for answers, unwilling to accept the truth.

And Levi… he was only so strong.

And when he broke down, finally falling down to the floor after a whole day of the unsuccessful façade…the cat still remained.

“Why are you still here?” he begged for an answer, “He’s dead, why don’t you just go away already!” he screamed at it through tears, trembling hands gripping at the foot of the desk.

“Go away…” he managed, though his voice was breaking. “Go away!” he shouted, fists grabbing a handful of the papers and throwing it at the poor creature.

Yet it did not budge. It would not. And the cracking sob that followed his shouts was something Levi had never heard his lips utter in his entire life.

His hands reached for the animal, and somehow, someway, it crawled back into Levi’s lap, smearing his face with its disgusting spit, as he hugged it. The mangy little beast, the only creature in the entire Survey Corps who understood how he felt right now. His comrade, his confidant.

Levi cried and he cried, and the cat stayed put, curled up in his lap as the man shed his tears into its foul-smelling fur. He cried and the cat meowed – like it knew what Levi was feeling, like it understood him, like it wanted to comfort him, until he drifted to a half-sleep on the cold floor, the sun long since having set, no warmth inside his body or inside his heart, except for the little yellow creature that wouldn’t go away.

Out of all the inanimate things in Erwin’s office, Levi supposed it was him that Erwin had left most of himself in. Levi’s body was riddled with it, the traces of Erwin he could never wash away. Even on the coldest of winter nights, he could feel Erwin on him like an old coat, friendly and soft. Even on the harshest of summer days, he could feel him – breathing down his neck, his breath cool, and wafting across his entire body. But he didn’t _want_ to feel Erwin on himself anymore, because the realization that the feeling was nothing but a ghost on his skin, a memory the nerves simply refused to forget, the realization that there would be no Erwin to follow the feeling, to wrap his coat tighter around him, or kiss his cheek goodnight, left Levi cold. So fucking _cold_.

His hands could pack up Erwin’s things, close this gem of a man in a box or two or three – but what was he to do of himself?

 

* * *

 

 

It was years later that Hange came back to the headquarters to find the little cat again, curled up outside the door of Levi’s room. It had been ages since she had last seen Claudia; her ears seemed to have improved, her fur not so much. But Hange found that she didn’t seem to care much. It had been so long she had seen a familiar face. And it was only fitting that she would be meeting this old friend outside of Levi’s room – considering how it had happened, in the end.

The woman bent down to the cat’s level, and the cat hardly seemed to notice. Purring peacefully outside of her captain’s door, slumbering away, dreaming of when the summer sun would come out again.

“Long time, no see, huh, Claudia?” Hange whispered to her. The cat meowed once in agreement.

“Did you stay here all this time?” she asked. “Did you never leave the HQ, kitty?”

Claudia raised her head at that question, and looked at Hange, doing that slow-blink thing that cats do, as if affirming the woman’s query.

Hange smiled, and reached out a hand to pet her. The cat closed her eyes again, and rubbed her face against her palm.

“No, I suppose you wouldn’t,” Hange agreed, as she continued to rub the cat behind the ears.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments make my day, so if you enjoyed it, please let me know and thanks for reading! 😊


End file.
